


My Friend, Masochism

by tommygirl



Category: Glee
Genre: Cliche, Community: undermistletoe, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-12
Updated: 2010-12-12
Packaged: 2017-10-13 15:51:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/139006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tommygirl/pseuds/tommygirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set post <i>A Very Glee Christmas</i>.  Rachel and Puck get stuck in a closet.  Rachel tries to fight her attraction for Puck and deal with losing Finn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Friend, Masochism

Noah Puckerman was just one more catastrophe waiting to happen in Rachel's life. Nothing ever went as planned whenever he was involved. She lost common sense, _lost control_ , and allowed herself to forget that he spent years tormenting her on a daily basis. And it was all because he could smile at her like she was the only person in the world that mattered - something no one, not even Finn, ever managed to do. She was practically a Lifetime movie in the making about the idiot girl who fell for the bad boy who only pretended to have a heart of gold. Even worse, she would end up played by some third-tier actress who would make her come across as a complete ninny.

Probably because she felt like one at the moment.

She pushed on the door again, pounding on it when it didn't budge. She wasn't going to shout. She had a feeling it was useless and there was no reason to destroy her vocal chords. She wasn't going to risk her future for anyone, let alone Puck.

Rachel slid to the ground in defeat and glared up at Puck. She said, "This is your fault."

"My fault?"

"Not only did you follow me in here when I told you that I wanted to be alone, but you closed the door. Why would you close the door?"

"Dude, you were like...crying. I couldn't just leave you alone like that."

"Since when?"

"I don't know," he replied. He shrugged his shoulders like he was attempting to let out a load of tension - something she saw both her fathers do on more than one occasion (usually after arguing with her) - and he rubbed his hand over his face. He said, "You're so damn confusing, Rachel. I wish you were just a normal chick, then I would know what to do."

"Gee thanks. I'm glad you followed me in here and got us stuck so you could compliment me like this," Rachel said. She closed her eyes, mostly because looking at Puck's stupid face was both maddening and enticing, and continued, "How do you end up with so many girls fawning over you when you act like this?"

Rachel knew the answer. It was because he had this contagious, cocky smile that made you feel like you were in on some secret. It was because of the way his eyes crinkled up when he was singing, truly lost in the music, and he thought no one was looking. It was because he was Puck, the guy who never said the right thing, but could still make you feel like you mattered.

God, she deserved the Lifetime movie with the semi-talented actress. She was pathetic.

"You know what I meant."

"I have no idea what you meant, Puck, and I wouldn't really care if we weren't locked in this stupid closet together."

"I guess that means I can't put this down as part of my community service."

"Right. Noah Puckerman, good Samaritan."

"I have no idea what you're saying, but I'm pretty sure you're pissed off for some reason."

"We're locked in a closet, Puck."

"And it's not that big of a deal. Someone will come along and let us out and in the meantime, you can stop blubbering over Finn."

She folded her arms protectively over her chest and said, "I was fine."

"You were crying and I didn't think you wanted the whole school to hear you losing it, so I closed the door."

She eyed him wearily. She had long ago given up trying to make heads-or-tails of Puck. One minute he was downright cruel to her and next thing she knew he was offering up his own version of heroics. "I'm sorry I freaked out on you. I appreciate that you tried to help me, but whenever we end up somewhere alone together, someone gets hurt."

"You didn't have to tell Finn. I wouldn't have said anything," Puck said.

"I don't want to talk about Finn."

"Right." Puck sat down on the floor across from her. He stretched out until their feet were touching and leaned back against the boxes. "Someone will notice we're missing sooner or later."

"Who will notice? I have no friends and most people are relieved when you're not around to scare them," Rachel replied.

"Okay, so we're screwed."

Rachel wasn't claustrophobic, but she wasn't exactly feeling rational at the moment. "Great, so not only am I huge loser, but I'm going to die in a high school closet."

"There really is no good response to that. We could talk about the weather?"

She shot him a pointed look. "It's winter in Ohio. Not much to report."

"Seen any good movies lately? My mom made me watch _Schindler's List_ again."

"Puck..."

"Obviously, you don't want to talk about what's really bothering you and I really don't want to hear you bitching for the next hour or so about us dying in a high school closet. It'll bring me down."

"Does anything actually bring you down?"

He shrugged.

Rachel wished she could be more like Puck sometimes. Maybe that was part of the allure of a guy like him. He just didn't seem to care about much of anything. He never seemed plagued with uncertainty. She would never admit that to him though. He was already certifiable. "We don't need to make small talk. We can just sit here."

"Right."

Okay, so that wasn't going to work. She was a basketcase and Puck was there. She said, "I thought I was done crying over Finn Hudson and that is what's bothering me."

"He's not worth the tears."

"Yeah, he is."

"No, he really isn't, Rachel. He barely knows how to function on most days."

"As compared to you?"

"I'm totally messed up, but I own it."

Rachel shook her head. She knew how everyone thought of her and a lot of it was true. She was self-centered and aware of her talent. She was also awkward and stupid and wanted nothing more than for people to like her. Besides, playing the martyr always got her into trouble. She pushed a strand of hair off her face and said, "Finn didn't do anything wrong. He loved me, but that wasn't enough. _I'm_ the one who messed up, Noah, not him. I don't even know why."

"Dude. It's high school. True love is shit that only happens in John Hughes movies."

"I have always wanted a Jake Ryan type of guy waiting for me. Though I pictured him looking more like Justin Timberlake."

"So totally gay? Figures. Girls always want what they can't have," Puck replied. He kicked her lightly and said, "And that's why I get all the ladies."

If there was a way out of the stupid closet, she would've stormed off in true dramatic fashion, but she was stuck and she couldn't stop herself from letting everything start to spill out. "I won't lie and say I didn't want Finn and I to have this great love that surpassed time and turmoil, but I could never truly believe it. I could never stop waiting for the other shoe to drop because I didn't get the guy. So when I heard about him and Santana, it was just like the proof I needed."

"I have no idea what you're babbling about."

"I don't really know either. I guess I'm just not that surprised that Finn and I didn't last." Rachel shut her eyes and banged her head against the door. She so didn't want to be having this conversation with Puck. What if she said something truly stupid? She didn't want to see the laughter in Puck's eyes when she said that there was a part of her that felt connected to him, that of all the people in the stupid world, Puck was the one who made her feel like she was part of some great love song. It wasn't a feeling she was accustomed to, not like her love for Finn, and not like it was with Jesse either. Some weird cosmic joke - sorta like her whole existence.

Rachel Berry, destined for greatness, except no one else knew it. She blamed her dads for this. After all, what kind of tremendous talent like her lived in Ohio?

"I think you're better off without him."

"You're just saying that because you hope I'll make out with you again."

He smirked and said, "You've gotta admit, we are pretty hot together."

"And how many other girls have you said that to?"

"You want me to count?"

"Please no. I'm depressed enough already."

"I don't know how many different ways I can say it, but Finn is not worth losing your mind over."

"Stop it."

"He's my boy and I've got his back most of the time, but he can be a complete tool."

"Not in this case. I messed up, not him."

"So you messed up. Like he hasn't?" Puck stretched his arms over his head, his shirt lifting just enough to show off a glimpse of his abs. Rachel wished she wasn't a girl so easily swayed by her hormones, but diva or not, she was still human and Puck was hot. Luckily, Puck didn't seem to have any idea that she was doing her best not to jump him. Or he was nice enough not to let on. He just went on, "The thing with Finn is that he never knows what to do with a good thing and that's why he always loses it."

"Noah," she said in an almost whisper. God, she hated herself. She found way too much enjoyment in Puck's stance on Finn. She could almost convince herself it was actually about her and not some macho competition Puck probably didn't even realize he was a part of. This was what her life had become. Locked in a closet with the one guy who had always managed to get under her skin. Someone she never thought of in terms of love and future, but managed to sneak up on her and whack her over the head with attraction and want. It was a huge disaster in the making, the possible Titanic of McKinley's Glee Club. If Finn had the ability to break her heart, Puck could blow it up without even blinking an eye.

"Sorry..." Puck replied. He ducked his head and added, "You're just not the first girl I've seen beat herself up over Finn Hudson."

And there it was. She was just another girl in a long line. She could try to convince herself otherwise, just like she did with Finn, but the truth was Rachel didn't get the guy. She wasn't that girl.

She traced her fingers along the floor, even though there was probably some form of plague lingering there, and said, "Sometimes I think it would be easier to quit Glee Club. Before New Directions I might have been alone, but I was never so lonely."

"What?"

"Nevermind."

"You need glee club, Rachel, and we need you."

She smiled. "I didn't say I actually would quit. The idea of any of my solos going to Santana or Quinn would eat at my soul."

He laughed and said, "Dude, you're so damn melodramatic."

She giggled and faked a swoon. "I was born for the theater, darling, and the theater was born for me," she said with a long, drawn-out accent.

He slid across the floor until he was next to her. She put her head on his shoulder without even thinking and he draped his arm around her. He said, "Santana is jealous of you. You know that, right?"

Rachel scoffed. "She's not jealous. She just hates me."

"Well, you can be annoying and whiny, but you're also the most talented chick I've ever met. Everyone knows you're going somewhere with this stuff, Rachel. The rest of us are just along for the ride."

"While my ego does love to hear that others see me for the star that I've always known I am, we're all pretty talented. More than I expected."

"Not like you, and it doesn't help that you know it," Puck replied. He squeezed her gently and said, "It's pretty cool though that you know what you want and aren't afraid to go after it."

"It's not cool. It's usually humiliating."

"But it doesn't stop you."

"I'm a masochist, like all good performers."

"You're really pretty when you're not yapping about how great you are."

She nudged him in the stomach with her elbow and said, "Jerk."

"You totally dig me."

Rachel wished she could offer up a resounding no, to make it clear that it was the most absurd thing she had ever heard, but she did care about Puck. There were no words to define those feelings properly. It just was. And it was such a huge mistake.

"Rachel?"

She kept her head on his shoulder as she reached for his hand and intertwined their fingers. She said, "You would be the worst boyfriend in the world and I dated Jesse St. James."

"He was a total douchebag."

"He had his moments. And we were a lot alike."

"You are nothing like that guy."

"I try not to be. I mean, his dedication to performing above all else is sometimes admirable, but it mostly makes me sad. I don't know how to stop myself sometimes."

"He didn't even care about the music. He just cared about himself. And yeah, sometimes you're a self-centered princess, but most girls are. As someone who has spent time with the majority of the female population of this school, hell, this town, you are far from the worst."

She laughed. "And this is why you and I would never work out. I want the right thing and you want right now."

"I'm sure there's some in between."

"I just broke up with Finn. Partly because I made out with you."

"Partly?"

"Okay, mostly. I was wrong and stupid and hurt him. I wish I could take that back, but, I don't know, I'm kinda glad it's over. At least I know where I stand. Since day one it's been a roller coaster ride with him - he likes me, he likes me not - and there is something to be said about solid ground. Even if it's sucky solid ground."

"Like I said. You deserve better."

"Doubtful. I think I'm meant to die alone."

"There's that melodramatic thing again," he said. He let go of her hand and turned so that he could look at her. Rachel's heart did the cliché flip-flop in her chest. She expected him to kiss her and tried to repeat the litany of reasons this was a huge mistake. But the only thing she could focus on was the feel of Puck's hand on her cheek as he brushed his thumb against her skin. He added, "I don't think you realize how amazing you are, especially when you sing."

She really was shallow because that was all it took for to grab his tee-shirt and pull him to her. Their lips crushed together and she couldn't help but get lost in the feel of Puck against her. She felt one of his hands slide down her back while the other pushed through her hair and it only made her need more. She wanted to keep this feeling of euphoria and momentary bliss and just being herself without fear of everything falling apart.

They parted for a minute and their heads rested against each other's. For someone who was so blatantly anti-romance, Puck really did have a way of making Rachel feel like the only girl in the world. He smiled and said, "You kissed me."

"Yeah."

"I knew you totally wanted to hit this."

"You're still a jerk."

"And you're a drama queen. So what?"

There were a million and one answers to that question, but she didn't care about any of that in the moment. She kissed him again.

She wasn't sure how long they were there, kissing in the dark closet, like characters from some cheesy romance novel, but the door opened and the two of them fell out with a thud. Rachel squinted up into the light, barely able to make out Mr. Schuester's part-dumbfounded-part-annoyed expression.

Puck laughed, while Rachel tried to come up with something to say, some way to explain this. She just blushed and sat there on the floor like an idiot until she felt Puck lifting her off the ground. Rachel refused to meet Mr. Schuester's gaze as he lectured them for a good five minutes on inappropriate behavior on school property. She had a feeling he was more surprised that she was the girl in the scenario than anything else.

"Thanks for the rescue, Mr. Schue. Rachel thought we were going to die in there. I had to find some way to shut her up."

She glared at him, but for the first time in her life, she didn't have anything to say. There were no words. There were no clear thoughts. Just Puck's hand still holding onto hers and this warm feeling spreading through her that Finn might've been the first boy she loved, but he wasn't the right one.

Not that Puck was. She really wasn't a total masochist yet.

But there was potential.

Especially if he kept smiling at her like that as he lead her out of the chorus room with a laugh, going on about the look on Mr. Schuester's face, and not caring who saw them together.

 

 _{Fin}_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Susie and Jen for the superfast beta work. Of course, I started a completely different fic first, but that turned into something else and I ended up turning this out. Hopefully it works. I tried to keep my own Finn issues to as much of a minimum as possible (again, mostly thanks to Jen for pointing it out).


End file.
